The Hardest Leadership Skill? Learning to Unlearn
Leadership isn’t always about acquiring new knowledge or skills – sometimes it’s about letting go of outdated ones.
When we think about leadership development, we often focus on what to add: new strategies, sharper practices, and different tools for effective leadership.
But just as important, and often harder, is what we must unlearn. Old beliefs and ingrained habits can quietly limit our effectiveness and stifle our vision until we name them, decide if they still serve us, and if not, let them go.
Jon Mullican: One Leader’s Story - From Taking the Helm at Every Turn to Humility and Curiosity
I grew up assuming leadership was always my role- step in, take charge, seize the reins. Through high school, that identity served me well. Then I entered the U.S. Naval Academy, and things changed. Stronger leaders surrounded me. As an underclassman, I had to follow. I didn’t abandon my leadership identity, but I learned to temper it. Not everyone should lead at every turn. Sometimes, others are better suited for the moment.
Graduate school humbled me further. Surrounded by brilliant, experienced leaders, I realized I was not always the best voice in the room. My pride, especially around assumptions about gender and identity, needed trimming. I embarrassed myself often - and I’m grateful to be past that stage.
What I’ve unlearned is the belief that my perspective is the best perspective. Today, I know when to lead and when to follow. I understand that humility - not arrogance - is the virtue worth striving for. True humility isn’t self-congratulatory; it shows up as listening first, with curiosity, grateful for the opportunity others give me by sharing themselves.
Why Unlearning Is Hard
As leadership author Laurie Bennett writes, “If there’s anything that gets the proverbial goat, it’s being asked to unlearn something you hold to be true.”
In modern leadership coaching, arrogance - the assumption that you already know - is an outdated pattern. When leaders act with total assuredness, they discourage dialogue. Their certainty signals to others: “Agree with me, or stay silent.” Over time, that posture produces compliance and complicity. People stop raising concerns, even when they see big problems.
Leadership consultant Patrick Lencioni, in “The Simple Difficulty of Being a CEO,” calls this trait “invulnerability.” He warns it’s one of the five biggest temptations that lead to failure. The old adage ‘Don’t let them see you sweat’ may be appropriate for actors or salespeople, but for leaders it’s a problem. Arrogance hampers your ability to build trust and psychological safety among your people.
Here are three shifts to help you put unlearning into practice:
Three Shifts to Practice
Engage in continual learning. Ask open-ended questions that begin with “What…” or “How might we…” to build curiosity and emotional intelligence in leadership.
Be present and quiet the chatter. When you feel stuck or confronted with an outdated belief or ingrained habit, consider keeping notes or a leadership reflection journal to notice what events or conversations might be asking you to unlearn.
Welcome diversity in thinking and approach. Immerse yourself in perspectives different from your own. Follow new voices, explore new media and open yourself to being changed.
As the old saying goes, “Minds, like parachutes, work best when open.”
Final Reflection
Jon’s story reminds us that effective leadership isn’t only about gaining new skills. It’s about self-awareness and unlearning what no longer serves. When we lead with humility, curiosity and openness, we create space for shared growth and authentic connection.
Unlearning in Action: Practical Tips for Leaders
Here are some common beliefs and habits we hear leaders grapple with in our leadership development and coaching work:
Beliefs to Unlearn
Leaders must have all the answers. Making space for others allows curiosity and collaboration to thrive.
Busyness equals effectiveness. Stepping back instead of always stepping in creates room for reflection and wiser use of energy.
Conflict is harmful. Healthy conflict at work is important to hash out issues. Slowing down and listening can turn tension into understanding and deepen relationships.
Leadership is about control. Releasing control - knowing when to follow - helps build trust and shared ownership with others and grow emerging leaders.
Mistakes are failures. Missteps can be teachers, trimming pride and sparking growth.
Examples of Habits to Unlearn
Over-scheduling every minute. Leaving room for reflection and connection makes leadership more sustainable.
Speaking first in meetings. Listening before contributing surfaces other perspectives.
Defaulting to email or text for tough conversations. Effective leadership often happens through real dialogue, not digital shortcuts.
Measuring success only by outcomes. The process, relationships, and self-awareness in leadership matter as much as results.
Relying on past playbooks. A “take-charge” style may work for a season but might need to be unlearned to meet new challenges.
Ready to develop your leadership or the capabilities of someone else?
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